Grief is a very commonplace, but at the same time, it is one of the most clumsy human experiences. It is so difficult to say something when a person has lost someone dear to her, and silence may seem to weigh even more. A kind and practical solution to the problem of bereaved people and those who are attempting to console them to overcome grief is provided in a thoughtful and touching video by KatyCoach. The message itself is quite straightforward yet very potent: one is not to just mourn about loss but redirect the discussion towards the appreciation of the life that was lived.
The majority of us fail to say it: I am sorry that you lost. Though it can be said with good intentions, this saying can at times put both parties in the quagmire; not knowing what to say next, not knowing how to react. As one idea that KatyCoach would recommend, these should not be seen as a conclusion, but rather as a chance to celebrate memories, stories and the legacy of the deceased. Even this minor change can make an unpleasant interaction a time of true human interaction.
This approach is particularly empowering to the grieving. When one is giving condolences, one cannot just say thank you and pass on; the bereaved can suggest talking in a friendly manner. When the individual who is giving sympathy has an acquaintance with the deceased, he should ask them to tell a story or a memory. This opens the doors to the feeling of warmth rather than sadness. An anecdote, a pleasant habit, a moment is enough to create a feeling of intimacy, of lightness, of reminding everyone concerned that love does not cease to exist when death occurs.
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These shared memories do more than honor the person who is gone; they help the grieving individual feel less alone. Hearing how their loved one impacted others reinforces that their life mattered and continues to matter. It also gives the person offering condolences something tangible to contribute, rather than feeling helpless or worried about saying the wrong thing. In this way, storytelling becomes a mutual gift, comforting for the bereaved and grounding for the supporter.
But what was it when the person who died was unknown to you? This is a situation that leaves many people particularly unsure, as they are afraid that they are not saying the right things. The advice by KatyCoach in this case is pleasantly straightforward: request the bereaved to share about themselves. One such question was, “What were they like?” or “What did you like about them?” which allows thought without coercion. It does not mean obligation, but true care and interest.
Having the bereaved take time to discuss the loved one no longer makes them complete by loss. Instead, they make narrators of the story, they tell memories that keep the spirit of the person alive. This may be very reassuring, particularly at the initial phases of bereavement when the feelings are swirling and brutal. Discussing the dead in such a manner assists in incorporating grief into life as opposed to pushing it off or sealing it with kind words.
The other force behind this strategy is that it makes it normal to discuss death without it being morbid. Most cultures tend to be able to mourn privately as they feel that talking about it may embarrass others. KatyCoach breaks this unspoken rule, stating that it is possible to be both celebratory and sad at the same time. You are able to respect suffering and, at the same time, respect joy, love, and meaning.
After all, this transformation, this change in the way we grieve collectively, is that of condolence to celebration. Rather than desolating times of sympathy, we build experiences of memories. We establish rapport by telling stories as opposed to awkward silence. And rather than being powerless to lose, we discover little yet mighty means of helping each other.
There is no ideal script of grief. It will never be smooth sailing all the way. Yet by attending to the life that has been rather than just the loss that is left, we can create a space for healing conversations. In the mourning or in consoling, remembering to ask for stories and to listen can transform sorrow into something gently sustaining.
Explore guidance that helps transform grief into meaningful connection through supportive communication during loss and compassionate presence.
A short video sharing KatyCoach’s perspective on grief and remembrance
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