Coming out is not a one-event thing. It is not a checklist or a statement that you make once in a lifetime. Instead, it is a progression of moments, some silent, others courageous, others stumbling, others emancipating, all of them contextual, all of them relationship based and all of them time based.
It is a pearl of wisdom, and not simple:
You have no one to tell your truth to,–but your truth has a right to live.
These two are simultaneously true.
Prior to the external declaration of sexual orientation, most often it has been internal knowledge. Sometimes clearly. Sometimes dimly. Occasionally, with certainty, and occasionally, with bewilderment. Most individuals only take years to know what is true to them- without words, labels, or proclamation.
This internal awareness is confidential. Sacred, even.
You may have as much time as you please here. No ethical deadline on the understanding of self.
You are not lagging behind, as long as you are still finding out, doubting or developing. You are human.
The assumption that honesty means being as uncovered as possible and revealing the truth in all cases, as soon as possible and at high cost, is one of the most destructive legends of sharing sexual orientation.
That is not wisdom. That is pressure.
Wisdom realizes that truth and safety should go hand in hand.
You may choose to share:
Each choice can be ethical. Each choice can be loving, especially toward yourself.
You are not dishonest for protecting yourself. You are discerning.
Courage is often praised as the highest virtue in sharing sexual orientation. But courage without timing can feel like walking into cold water unprepared.
Timing is wisdom in motion.
Ask yourself:
These are not cowardly questions. They are intelligent ones.
A pearl of wisdom often arrives when courage and timing finally meet.
It is devastating when someone does not react well when you are sharing with them. Misunderstanding, rejection, silence, and judgment can be a blow to the chest.
Here is the pearl:
Their response to a person reveals more of what people have to offer rather than what you are worth.
Some people need time. Some people need education. It is possible that some people will never be able to see you where you are.
This is painful, but it is not evidence that you were wrong to be yourself.
It is not your business to deal with the reality incongruity of someone.
Not all sharing looks like an announcement.
Sometimes sharing sexual orientation looks like:
These moments are not small. They are cumulative. They change the world one relationship at a time.
Quiet truth has weight.
One more piece of wisdom that is dropped over the head: your style of sharing can change.
Something that was correct when you were 25 years old might not be correct when you are 45 years old.
What seemed unsafe at one time may come to be natural at a later time.
What may need explanation may need none in its turn.
It is not inconsistent to change. You are alive.
Sexual orientation, as well as the identity itself, is no longer lived in the frozen state.
There is much to be learned in this reflection, but this much takes at least:
Your fact is more than acting. It is a connection, the first one with yourself, the second one with other people.
Coming out is not about persuading, protecting or enlightening the world. It is about letting your life be more in line with who you are, and at a pace that respects your nervous system, your past, and your aspirations.
Assuming that you know this wisdom, smile at the admonition.
In case it is new, it should rest.
Like warm water.
Like nourishment.
Like something that was always meant to be yours.
Enjoy.
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Sharing Sexual Orientation: A Pearl of Wisdom on Truth